Dear Morning People

Dear Morning People,

You’re so chipper, so alert, so well kept. Congrats on the matching clothes and perfectly coiffed hair. You look great! That joke you just made about birds was probably smashing, although I’m not entirely sure, since the only people who laughed at it are other morning people and they seem to smile and laugh at everything this time of day. But can we talk about something that’s been bothering me? Now that it’s the am and based on your smile you’ve apparently had your rejuvenating breakfast/yoga/jog/caffeine/virgin sacrifice, I’d like to let you in on a little piece of advice.

Not all of us are like you, some of us will never be fully awake before 11am. When you’re talking and laughing and joking we are in what feels like a permanent state of cringing because you might touch us and you really really shouldn’t touch us right now we’re not kidding get away why are you so close stop it, yes I’ll take that breakfast bagel thank you. Oh you didn’t understand what I said? It was “thank you”, I know it sounded more like “maaawwnron afrgr” but that’s how we say thank you before banks are open.

Conversations: they’re great. We’re not adverse to them one to three hours from now, but you really want to stick with speaking to your fellow “early birds” at this moment, since the rest of us are still struggling with remembering how things like syntax works and what manners are.  

Now, I’m fully aware that your sister’s friend’s cousin used to NEVER be a morning person and then CHANGED their attitude and now they sing as they make a gourmet breakfast every morning for their family of seven well groomed honor students. You seem to be very fond of telling us that story as we try, ineffectually, to get you to stop talking to us. But here’s the thing: we’re not your sister’s friend’s cousin. Many of us have tried that “just have a better attitude method” and it just didn’t work out. You see, morning’s are not for us. Our bodies don’t want to be awake and are constantly screaming at us for getting out of the warm blanketed paradise of our beds. Also, there’s something wrong with our eyes, and the sun is just...man...such a jerk right now...such a jerk. I just….I just need to be alone...with my bagel. Where did that bagel go?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we don’t hate you, we’re not intentionally rude, and we don’t mean to be dismissive. We’re just not firing on all cylinders yet and need some time to accept that we’re not in bed anymore. Now please leave me a lone with my bagel and ignore the incoherent mumblings as we stare at the wall. Thanks.

Sincerely,

The Not Morning People